about me

In the past, I've tried to change a lot of things about myself. When I noticed that I was the only one in the seventh grade still wearing my sister's hand-me-downs, straight jeans, and sketchers, I tried to change my wardrobe. I guess knockoff converse weren't much of an improvement, though. I used to play Minecraft with my brother (I know, embarrassing.) until my younger cousin told me that I was a loser, and I left my brother to play alone instead. I tried to change the amount of sugar in my diet, and, like I wrote in my previous post, I developed social anxiety.

I couldn't stand in front of the class without shaking, and I became aggressively defensive. I used to love being in choir, but the concerts scared me out of my mind. I would stand in my choir uniform, twitching and only mouthing along to a song that I'd spent hours practicing. Despite that, I auditioned for Advanced Choir and failed, moving into Honours Choir instead (That's just a nice way of saying "too old for Cadet, but couldn't get into Advanced). One year, we had a "final", where we had to sing a solo in front of the whole class. I broke out in a cold sweat and quit the week after. When I got into high school, I tried to combat this. Instead of being defensive, I tried being friendly, and talked to whoever I could, clenching my teeth in an attempt to control my wild stutter. I thought I could finally be the friendly, cheerful social kid, but I was labeled with "fake" instead.

I've learned to let go and managed to find my way into an amazing group of friends, but I still can't do everything like I used to. I hate talking about it, but my greatest fear is eating in front of other people. I feel like I look disgusting, and I fight to ignore my stomach growling in class. It's been a few years, and I'm okay with eating small meals in front of my friends or people that I'm comfortable with. Otherwise, I can wait until after school.

I've been underweight all my life, which is another thing that I've tried to change. No matter how much I eat or exercise, or how many times I count my calories, or how often I literally gag from forcing myself to eat, I can't gain weight. I'm 5' 6", and I don't even weigh 100 pounds. I guess that's why they call it "a work in progress". 😬

sugar challenge

When I first heard about the Sugar Challenge, I was kind of annoyed, because the challenge was to do something that I try to do every day. After a few years, it's still not easy, but I wish that I could do something more challenging or at least relevant to me. Even HCC is a little boring now, but sometimes, my friends turn to me and say, "Oh, that's why you don't eat sweets?"  Not to be cocky, but I'm very confident that I can meet the challenge, because it's already something that's integrated into my daily life.

In seventh grade, when I started cutting back on added sugar, I tried going cold turkey. Because sugar triggers dopamine in the brain's pleasure center, it takes a while for your body to get used to a large difference in your sugar levels. I started feeling cranky and tired, and eventually opted for a periodical binge on sweets, instead of my regular constant flow. I didn't realize it at the time, but it had a big impact on my mood. I started to develop anxiety, and made an increasing amount of impulsive decisions.




One night in eighth grade, when I was bored and home alone, I watched a documentary called "Fed Up" on Netflix. It was the first of many. "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead", "Forks Over Knives", "Hungry For Change", "Bite Size", "Vegucated": somehow, the corny-sounding documentaries seemed more appealing than TV shows to easily-impressionable, hoping-to-be-a-nutritionist, 12-year-old me/ I learned more about the effects of sugar, and I realized that binges are unhealthy. I slowly cut back on sugar, until I was within the recommended amount. If I was only counting added sugar.

Even now, I still get a weird look when I order fruits instead of dessert, or buy water instead of lemonade. "Freaking health freak" is the most common comment I get from my older sister (who doesn't give a single heck about added sugar even though I always tell her how bad it is).

healthy lifestyles

To me, living a healthy lifestyle means maintaining a balanced diet, exercising often, following a generally solid sleep schedule, communicating with others, and loving yourself. Living a healthy lifestyle is obviously supposed to be important to me, but honestly, it hasn't been a priority lately. It's hard to exercise and follow a sleep schedule between school, extracurriculars, and unpredictable workloads.

As a teenager, I don't always have a choice in what I eat, because I'm expected to eat the food that's put in front of me, healthy or not. When I was younger, I would only eat what I wanted to eat off my plate. I would spend hours at the table, because my mother wouldn't let me leave unless I finished everything. Usually, I would sneak the leftover food into the trash and eat sweets in front of the TV. After taking a nutrition course in seventh grade, another in eighth, and another in ninth, I started paying more attention to what I was eating, sometimes even watching the occasional nutrition documentary on Netflix. I went cold turkey on sweets and switched chocolate out for fruits (unbeknownst to seventh-grade me, consuming large amounts of fructose is also bad for you) and nuts.

My family was happy that I was making a change (they try their best to eat as healthy as possible), but they were a little suspicious about me going on a "diet". I've been underweight my entire life, and cutting out artificial sugar, a fair portion of my diet, probably worried them. I still try my best not to eat sweets, but when everyone around you does something, it's hard not to do it too. 😩