about me

In the past, I've tried to change a lot of things about myself. When I noticed that I was the only one in the seventh grade still wearing my sister's hand-me-downs, straight jeans, and sketchers, I tried to change my wardrobe. I guess knockoff converse weren't much of an improvement, though. I used to play Minecraft with my brother (I know, embarrassing.) until my younger cousin told me that I was a loser, and I left my brother to play alone instead. I tried to change the amount of sugar in my diet, and, like I wrote in my previous post, I developed social anxiety.

I couldn't stand in front of the class without shaking, and I became aggressively defensive. I used to love being in choir, but the concerts scared me out of my mind. I would stand in my choir uniform, twitching and only mouthing along to a song that I'd spent hours practicing. Despite that, I auditioned for Advanced Choir and failed, moving into Honours Choir instead (That's just a nice way of saying "too old for Cadet, but couldn't get into Advanced). One year, we had a "final", where we had to sing a solo in front of the whole class. I broke out in a cold sweat and quit the week after. When I got into high school, I tried to combat this. Instead of being defensive, I tried being friendly, and talked to whoever I could, clenching my teeth in an attempt to control my wild stutter. I thought I could finally be the friendly, cheerful social kid, but I was labeled with "fake" instead.

I've learned to let go and managed to find my way into an amazing group of friends, but I still can't do everything like I used to. I hate talking about it, but my greatest fear is eating in front of other people. I feel like I look disgusting, and I fight to ignore my stomach growling in class. It's been a few years, and I'm okay with eating small meals in front of my friends or people that I'm comfortable with. Otherwise, I can wait until after school.

I've been underweight all my life, which is another thing that I've tried to change. No matter how much I eat or exercise, or how many times I count my calories, or how often I literally gag from forcing myself to eat, I can't gain weight. I'm 5' 6", and I don't even weigh 100 pounds. I guess that's why they call it "a work in progress". 😬